I’ve Been Dead for Too Long

After finish reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I become more conscious of my thought. I’m not surprised when I found myself couldn’t stop thinking, because that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing for my whole life. That’s also how I identified myself as a human. Noticing that it is just how everyone else’s been doing.

In fact, that way of life has made me a dead meat. I might still look like a real person: be nice to other; set some life goals; and have a hobby, but I haven’t been actually alive. The thing is, my thought has been running my life this whole time. Thanks to the book, recently, whenever I caught my mind wandering, I would shout internally, “come back!” I do come back, but that wouldn’t be for long. Seconds later, I’ll be somewhere else.

I desperately want to arrive at some point in the near-future, where I project myself as a better person with better life. I delete my unrealistic monthly goals and wait for the next month to come, just to set other seemingly-realistic goals. I rewrite my unchecked to-do-lists and convince myself that I’ll do them tomorrow. I wake up every morning and tell myself that it’s going to be a good day.

These doings lie on the same false believe: the now is a stepping stone for the better future. The now becomes a wait for an arbitrary thing called the future.

The clock time surely is a helpful tool for organization. It does give me lessons from the past and hopes for the future, but my life happen now. Once I’m done using the clock time for practical reasons, I should return to the present moment immediately and be truly alive by being in the now.

There is never a time when my life is not now. It has always been that way and it will always be.

I’ve been dead for too long.

Now is the only time to wake up.

Maybe, you are too.

Little Mischief Guys Called Thought and Emotion

There are two things that us human, love the most: Thought and Emotion. 

We love them so much that we let them take control of our lives. We are so into them that not even in a second, we are willing to let them go. We are so full of them that we become them and they become us. We adore them so much that we keep on denying that they bring us pain. We’ve been blindfolded, yet we can’t help but to keep them around, waiting for them to untie the fold.  

Like us, Thought and Emotion have their own favorite: the illusion of time. They like dragging us to the past and the future.

“In the past,” said Thought. “Things were better.”

“In the future,” Emotion takes turn. “We will be happy.”

They are so seductive that it’s almost impossible not to trust their words. Unfortunately, it makes us detached from the present, the only time where we live, the only thing Thought and Emotion dislike. Sometimes, when we claim ourselves as being present, we still do judge and analyze. We bring over our two lovers to the only moment that should’ve been for us to experience. We frame the now in the eye of Thought and Emotion, ignoring the eyes of our own.

This might not be easy, as we’ve been under their control for most of our lifetimes, but this requires one thing only: be a watcher. Watch the now as it is: watch what Thought is doing to our heads, what Emotion is doing with our chests. Head and chest, both are part of our bodies, the most truthful character in this play.

We might be manipulated by Thought and Emotion, but Body will always safe the day. Body gives us physical signs of what Thought and Emotion have done to us. Once we become the watcher, we’ll listen when Body tells us the ache in our muscles, or the pain in our stomachs.

Listening to Body means, we withdraw ourselves from the illusions and bring ourselves back to the present. Thought and Emotion will still be there, but they’ll lose their control over us. We know that those little mischief guys are still inside, but now they’re under our watch. They might still come and go, but they’ll no longer inhabit the life that we own.

*this post was written after reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Things He Told Me About Death

This morning, I jogged in a field not far from my kos. Most of the joggers are in their late 30s. Some are 40s. Very few of them are above 50s. 

One of the elderlies caught my attention. He walked, seemed so careful of his steps and stopped for a while on the side of the field, before walking for another few steps. 

The view made me wonder.      

Will I live long enough to be that slow? 

No one answers, because no one knows. 

What if I don’t? 

What if I die in, like.. five minutes?

Turns out, I was still alive.

But, if I do, I’ll just have to wait until it comes, won’t I?

Death is so close yet so far. So close that it scares me all the time. So far that I’m being ignorant of the fact that I might die anytime soon. Despite of how I feel about death, it’s the only thing that I know about my future. 

In that matter, He sent me a guide about how to not die misserably, one of them is:

“And spend [in the way of Allah] from what We have provided you before death approaches one of you..”

Once I die, He told me through the guide, that I might regret for not doing enough good. I might willing to go back to where I am now. I might ask for the help of my relatives, but none of them will give a shit. They’ll be busy with their own matter, as I deal with my own. I will be punished for what I have and haven’t done, and spend my eternal life being punished.  

“But don’t worry,” He added.

The good news is, any kind of good deeds will be paid off. Every single of them. I will be rewarded and spend my eternal life being rewarded. 

Thus, He said, there’s no point of being too anxious nor too excited over the live I life today, because it all will come to an end after all. 

“And this worldly life is not but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the Hereafter – that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew.”    

Since I finished reading the guide, I become less scared yet less ignorant of death, because I know my to-dos and not-to-dos. I might die in five minutes, I might die in my 50s. But, as long as I put my belief in His words, there’s indeed nothing to worry about. 

Letting Her Go

I've been in a battle. 

Turns out, it's never been really a battle. 

It was just her, demanding my attention. 

Once I granted her request, 

she did leave for good. 

It was that simple.

But for some reasons, 

I couldn't see it back then. 

Book Store

It's Sunday. Many people spend their time by going out and spending their money on something, including books. It wasn't in my today to-do list to go anywhere, but you insisted me and I easily agreed. We went to book store.

Staring at people being so much enthusiastic on books, was just as good as me reading books. Children  stopped by child magazine section just to read out loud the cover, teenagers read the blurb of a half-price-illustrated self-improvement book, parents discussed with their final-year-high-school child about choosing an exam preparation book and more people made a line in front of the cashier with pile of books in their hands. Despite of not knowing if they'll actually read what they've bought, that view was heartwarming enough.

I asked you to look at the ceiling of the book store. Promotional tools were hang up there. They were in red and blue. I could see the founder of this company, smiling from the height. "Aren't you thankful for anyone with an amazing courage of running a book store? I mean, what was in their mind? While others are struggling just to read and buy books, they came up with thousands of books! Even millions!"

You seemed disagree. "No, I'm not. People paid for them. What should be thankful for? It's an exchange, not a gift which you could simply get without purchasing any money. Don't you come here to spend your money on something? At least the parking lot. At least, by just existing here, you've showed them that you want them to keep on running their business, thus you let them to keep on making more money even if it's not from your own pocket. They are the one who should be thankful."

You make me like a fool book-lover who has zero attention upon what's beyond the visible and I could not accept that. "Firstly, gratitude was never been made for only accepting free stuff. Secondly, everything in this universe is about exchanging. Even free stuff. It's just not about something that a small-minded guy like you would think." My words made you frowned. I grinned.

"What do you mean?" you asked.

I chuckled. "Use your brain."

"I do!" you protested, made me burst into laughter.

"Not that brain," I pointed on your head. "But this brain," I moved my finger to somewhere around your chest. I paused for a while, waiting for your response, expecting you to understand.

But you did not. You were still frowning instead. I sighed.

"Okay, it's time to leave. You've been out here for too long."

You didn't want to. You insisted me to explain the whole thing, which I didn't do. It was enough for me to know how some people think about book, money and gratitude, and I didn't want to tell them about mine.

These are some hints:
1) giving is receiving;
2) it has nothing to do with money.

As usual, I put you back in the corner of my head, letting you stay there, until you come up with an answer of your confusion. 

I Can't Do This

I remember writing just because I love the typing sound on the keyboard. 

I remember being proud of my work and giving no care to those best-selling books.

I remember waking up without worrying on how I'm gonna finish what I've written. 

Those days, are no longer around. 

Last night, I slept after bursting into a lot of laughter from funny YouTube videos. A fake laughter. I used it to deny my self-doubt. With pillow covering my face, I shouted repeatedly.

"I can't do this. I'm done with this." 

The night remained quiet. My black book was opened; my pencils, markers, sticky notes were all over the places; my laptop was sitting nicely on the floor, showing me what I've been working on for this past few months. I stared at them, with self-sabotaging words echoing in my head. I crawled to reach a pencil, tried to write something down. One word, two words, ten words, and.. I gave up. 

Once again, I covered my face with a pillow, just to add more pain to myself by shouting the same words. Repeatedly. 

"I can't do this. I'm done with this." 

Those words were hanging in my head all night long, my chest was overloaded by an invisible army of self-doubt, my hands and feet were trembling, that army has defeated my final defense. I thought I was dying. And I was, indeed. 

Then, I watched another YouTube video with my leftover strength. It was a sad one and it was perfect. I cried as I was touched by the video content, which I definitely was not. The video ended. I stopped crying. I let things scattered on the floor, I went to wash my face, brush my teeth and went to bed after watching another funny videos. I laughed a lot like I hadn't cried before. I laughed like I was super proud of myself and my work, which I absolutely was not. 

First Day

My first day at work was overwhelming. I barely feel my feet on the ground, I wasn't even sure of what I was doing on the desk, until you showed up and reminded me to stay focus. It was just one day after you asked me, whether or not I was sure about having a job.

"I'm super sure I'll get this job," I said. You were with me, on my motorbike, right after my first time ever job interview. The sun was shinning too bright as usual, pollution was all over the places as usual.

"Will it make you stay human?" you asked. It was the same question you've been asking since.. God knows when.

We discussed this. About having a job to keep me sane, to keep me away from being stressed out of my messed up thought. You named it, 'to stay human'. You suggested me some conditions for the job that I could apply for:

1. it's nearby;
2. it's not that demanding;

3. it's doesn't use up my writing time.

"They have children, parents, English, assignments. What's better than that?" I answered, tried to sound confident.

You were not there for several next hours, hid at the back of my head, until a text message arrived, telling me to start working immediately, on the following day. You nodded, smiled and gave a bless to my first day ever in my first job ever.

A Debt

It's been five months since the day I graduate. I sat next to my best friend in the balcony, staring at a mountain that was covered with night lights, small buildings, houses' roof, and trees' canopies.

"How does it feel?" you asked.

"I feel nothing," I answered. You know I was lying. I was too overwhelmed with abundance of feelings that was coming back and forth during this five months period. You know I've felt too much ups and downs, you know I've had enough with them, but you also know that they'll keep on coming to me until I finish things I supposed to finish.

"Don't you miss those days? When all you've got was days packed with schedule? When you're surrounded with friends you interacted with, with tasks someone asked you to do, with deadlines someone else made for you to meet, with a potential that was chained for the sake of comfort? Weren't those days beautiful? I wish I could stay in that moment forever. Don't you?"

I shook my head. "Not at all. I'm good now. I was dying back then. I should've escaped earlier. The chain was locked too tight. I barely find my way out."

You giggled. "So, you regret being in those days? After all the excitements?"

"I said nothing about being in regret. They were indeed beautiful. But I won't miss any of them. The future seem to worth more my regret though."

"It hasn't even happened. What's the regret for?"

"I regret for not being able to make them to come earlier. I mean, if I spare more time juggling between doing other's order and doing my own thing, I don't think that I'll be this stupid. You know, the procrastination, laziness and stuff. They're here with me, since the day I was born. Could you help me getting rid of them? Please? For me? Your bestie?"

"I've got them too. I should help myself as well," you paused. "What about exchanging problems? I'll face yours and you'll do mine. We live in the same head, remember?" you giggled. I giggled.

You know, we both are stupid. But we laughed at it anyway. I've never been so stubborn with any of decisions I've made. But this time, it won't remain the same. I've told you like.. billion times that I'll keep on moving forward, following the direction that the smaller version of me was created. People named it dreams. I named it debt. The potential, the spirit, the desire, the persistence, were things that were given by my old self, to my current self. As an exchange, my current self should pay back by realizing certain objectives.

After exchanging giggles, I brought you back inside my head, in the corner of my brain, letting you wait there until a time when I need a bestie to talk with. 

Strangers Interaction

There are some characteristics of strangers-interaction:

1. consist of communication between two or more people
2. run in short period of time;
3. happen in public places, e.g: train, shops, street, etc.
4. based on mutual-short-term physical circumstances, e.g: strangers being passengers of a train because of a mutual interest of going to their destinations, strangers being in a bus stop because of a mutual interest of waiting for a bus to come.

Recently, I took a train from Malang and Semarang, and interacted with two strangers during the trip. We were perfectly fulfilled those characteristics and we had such a great trip because of each other. Once I arrived in Semarang, one of those two strangers, tried to extend our strangers interaction which ignores characteristic number two, three and four. Let's called him X.    

What did he do? 

After I arrived in Semarang, according to the characteristics, the strangers-interaction between me and those two strangers, are automatically ended. Because the short period of time has ended (characteristic number 2) and I didn't have the mutual-short-term physical circumstance with them anymore (characteristic number 4).

But instead, X was keep on sending me messages and bombarding me with calls while I was in my private room, a place where it's impossible for me to build any common interest with anyone. There are only two possibilities to explain what X tried to do: he didn't know how strangers-interaction should be (which makes him stupid); or he wanted to create a completely new interaction (which makes him stupid as well). In other words, a stranger could not interact with another stranger, if: he wants to have a longer period of interaction; he doesn't interact in public places; or there is no mutual-short-term-circumstances. So, for me, there would be two possibilities as well: ignoring X completely because he doesn't act to fulfill strangers-interaction anymore; or responding to X that might lead to interaction that is completely different with strangers interaction. 

I chose the former (the latter doesn't even look like a choice, it's a nightmare).

Once a strangers-interaction is ended, there will be another series of  strangers interactions that are created and ended within seconds. They replace one another according to each person's mobility and interest. That's why, it was easy for X to jump from strangers-interactions into a new interaction that he tried to build. But at the same time, it was also super easy for me to jump to another strangers interactions without considering any of my interactions with any strangers in the past. 

If I Knew It Earlier

Whole my life, I've been questioning, why do Muslims have to pray for so many times a day? Even when I was 13, I told my Catholic friend that I envy her for not having to pray that much. And she said nothing as a response, causing me become even more envy of other religions, that in my eyes, they are much easier to be practiced. The same thought emerged every Ramadhan. Though it's never been that hard for me to fast (because I just hated to eat), but still, the believe that becoming a Muslim is such a burden, was always been in my head for as long as I could remember.   

In the next several years of my life, I started to feel less burdened to practice my religious routine. However, the routines were just feel so plain to me: praying, fasting, doing more good, doing less harm, etc. I valued my prayer only when I have ulterior motives, like: wanted Him to ease me through a hardship, wanted Him to guide me through the process of reaching a goal, etc. It's not the prayer itself that I needed, instead, it was the reward following the prayer that I pursue. In fact, it is not a wrong thing to do. It is just not a motive that could keep me on giving a value to every prayer I do.

Until after the day I graduated in January, where everything in my future was just seem so blur (even until today), I started to find goals where possible: writing stories, learning IELTS, aiming for abroad scholarship. I was overwhelmed by goals. 

After battling with the anxiety and doubt, I decided that it's time to get a grip. 

To where? To who? 

Him. 

I changed my intention. I changed my goal. I mentioned it in every prayer. 

I tell Him, that I do live in the name of Him. I live because He should be the only ultimate goal of everything I'm doing. I've had enough of myself, my goals, people and the world in general, but Him. 

So, I came back to Him like I've never been there before. 

Then, my prayer started to be a need, rather than an obligation. My prayer started to be a talk to a Lover, rather than memorized Arabic words. I started to miss Him even more when it was not the prayer time. 

Then, I started to see Him everywhere. In a tree that grows in front of my room, in colony of ants that are passing by my room door, in ripe fruits I bought for lunch, in the skin of a lizard, in a bucket of water in my bathroom. I saw Him everywhere.

Until then, I knew that I should've been present for Him, instead of Him being the only one who presents for me. 

Live shouldn't have been this hard if I knew it earlier. 

Time Wasted

Since the very beginning of March, I've tried to put a job for every hour per day. I managed to do well until today, the first wasted day of the entire month of March. Literally, all I did was none: had my mind flown away somewhere, abandoned my IELTS practice book, let the laundry drown and did not even have an appetite for any meals. So far, I could clearly declare that today is the most wasted day of the month (hoping there won't be any day like this until end of March). I've always been hated wasting my time, moreover, when I felt like having no control upon the procrastination monkey inside my brain. Beside the day that I failed the IELTS prediction test, this was way worse.    

Recharging

My friend has stayed in my place since past three days. Today, before I wasn't properly awaken, she went home. Since then, it was me, myself and I left. But I need a ritual that assist my state of mind to be fully transferred from me-being-with-someone-zone into me-myself-and-I-zone. So, after finishing a prediction test for writing and speaking (IELTS of course), I was planning to go straight to anywhere but my room. Along the way to that somewhere, I had a talk to myself about: my band score prediction for the prediction test; how I would be able to have a better-scheduled-self-study;  and whether I'll have another bottle of yogurt before bed. 

Unpredictably, I spent 1.5 hours of self-studying in a public place (where I could act like a high-achieving-student that practice with my book without giving a care to the world). My dinner was unpredictably good as well. So did my day. Now, I'm fully present for being with my own self. 

Punishment

Today is a writing days. I spent hours just to write fours paragraph of essay. I don't want to look like a fool, that was my goal, so I put so much effort without considering the time limit. Wasting time is a thing that I hated the most after a song titled Akad that is still played in 2018, but still I was wasting time. It might look like I did a positive thing through writing. In fact, it's no longer positive if it ate up more time than it supposed to. Though I wrote with a good idea flow, I abandoned the rule, I practice in a wrong way, I should've lost marks. Moreover, I let myself practice in a way that is too far from the actual test atmosphere: I listened to music, had a chat, a meal, a drink and unnecessary headache. 

I should punish myself, so I had two bottles of yogurt with a discount that's only sold in Indomaret. Suddenly, I don't know what's the difference between punishment and reward.

Beam of Light

Thank God for sending me a friend for sleep over since last few days, instead of letting me slowly losing my sanity in lonesome. Another meeting that I had today with GPY Semarang was also successfully enhance my sense-of-being-a-human. Moreover, I should send some important documents to friends, thus I need to talk with more people than I did in no-mail-to-be-sent days. 

Besides, a miracle also happened today. A friend was willing to help me with IELTS' writing feedback. Suddenly, I saw a beam of light at the end of the unknown street. I started to feel like knowing where to step on and where to avoid. I gained back the spirit to learn, which used to reach its lowest point since the  end  of February. 

For the first time since several weeks, I wrote some proper words in an academical structure for the sake of the IELTS writing section 2. It took ages for me to meet the end. But still, I enjoy the whole process of arranging words into sentence, until an essay was formed. 

Thanks, brain. I'm nothing without you.   

Annoyed

I woke up knowing that I wasn't alone. My friend had a slept over. More or less, she made me more human than usual. God bless, I've got someone to had my dinner with and someone to laugh with. She brought back my sense-of-being-a-human into a much different level, 

I wasn't home since early morning for the sake of meeting a potential partner for GPY Semarang. But it ended up being the worst meeting ever. I knew that I was the only one bothered being so punctuate and drive all the way to their place, while they didn't even try to do so. I knew such human are exist. But still I'm annoyed.

Me and GPY had another meeting, set a time for the event and structured the organizing committee. I left before it was ended, went to my IELTS course place and had a prediction test. I came home knowing that I indeed know nothing about nothing. Zero. 

Karya Pertamaku

Karya pertamaku akhirnya lahir. Hari ini ia siap didistribusikan ke perpustakaan fakultas dan dosen pembimbing sebagai syarat yudisium. Karya ini sudah kukandung sejak Februari 2017 dan resmi lahir ke dunia pada 22 Desember 2017. Semoga bayiku ini panjang umur dan sehat selalu. Proses mengandung si bayi, seingatku, bukalah proses yang menyenangkan. Sulit menemukan kesenangan di antara tuntutan untuk cari jurnal kesana kemari, turun lapangan, uji coba, penelitian, hingga bab lima yang masih harus diobrak-abrik. Pada awal proses penulisan, tidak menyangka akan menulis bayi jenis begini. Tadinya aku punya rencana sendiri yang sudah kurancang bagus-bagus. Aku siap untuk bahagia dengan rencanaku itu. Namun, apa daya, kata dosen pembimbing, lebih baik gunakan sebagian rencananya, yang akhirnya membuat bunda mengandung tidak se-menyenangkan itu. 

Servis Sepeda Motor

Suatu hari, ada yang duduk-duduk di sentra servis sepeda motor selama hampir dua jam. Ia duduk-duduk saja setelah tercengang bahwa yang harus diservisnya biayanya sampai dua kali lipat dari uang yang ia bawa. Motornya sudah hampir menyentuh kilometer 10000 dan kata abang-abang tukang servis di sana, banyak pritilan yang harus diganti. Oli mesin, busi, oli shockbreaker, dan dua hal lagi yang istilahnya sulit diingat. Setelah ragu sejenak, si abang meyakinkan bahwa boleh saja kabur sebentar untuk ambil uang di rumah.

Piramida Kebutuhan Spiritualitas Versi Saya

Konsep spiritualitas seharusnya kurang lebih sama seperti kata Abraham Maslow tentang piramida kebutuhan manusia. Mulai dari kebutuhan paling dasar yang semua orang lakukan, sampai kebutuhan paling tinggi yang penghuninya tidak sebanyak penghuni kebutuhan dasar. Tapi mungkin inilah yang membuat konsep Maslow sering disebut banyak kelemahannya, bahkan ada yang tidak lagi mengakui si piramida ini sebagai konsep pemenuhan kebutuhan pada manusia. Manusia terlalu kompleks untuk dibuatkan segitiga yang satu per satu tangganya harus dinaiki supaya mencapai puncak. Sama halnya dengan tingkatan kesalehan seseorang yang juga tidak bisa diukur dengan tangga-tangga. 

Introvert, Si Nama Belakang

Dulu ada yang bertanya-tanya kenapa ia tidak bisa gabung dengan orang asing lalu akrab lalu ikut cekakak cekikik. Ia juga bertanya kenapa tidak bisa jadi pusat perhatian, tapi malah melipir di tepi. Ia juga heran kenapa setiap kali mencoba berceloteh satu dua kata lalu terbahak demi bikin orang-orang ikut terbahak, sekian detik kemudian, ia malah membenci dirinya sendiri dan ingin lari tunggang langgang sambil tutup wajah. Ia juga kebingungan kenapa tidak pernah dapat satu pun kata-kata yang cocok untuk menanggapi orang-orang yang bicara satu dua paragraf itu. Ia selalu begitu pada orang-orang, seolah ia bukan bagian dari orang-orang itu sendiri. 

Ketersalingan

Pada suatu hari, ada yang bergumam saat ia melihat seorang supir truk di dalam kendaraannya. Menenggak serangkaian minuman pencegah kantuk sambil menanti lampu merah berganti hijau. Yang bergumam ini mengamati bawaan truk beroda enam itu, namun tidak berhasil karena yang diamati tertutup terpal hitam. Si supir truk sempat melihat orang yang bergumam itu, lalu yang bergumam pura-pura tidak melihat dengan pura-pura menerawang ke arah bangjo. Lalu diam-diam, ia kembali menatap si supir truk. Mengira-ngira sudah berapa lama sang supir menempatkan bokongnya di jok yang panas.