Perfection is Not Possible

I might say that I'm not the type of person that likes routines, but I also couldn't say that I like not having a plan on a daily basis. I've been experimenting with a lot of systems for implementing new habits in my life, for about four years now. 

It all started back then when I was working on my undergrad thesis until a year after I graduated. I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted to do, including doing my hobby. Writing has always been my hobby since childhood, and I've always known that I want to be a writer. In my last year of college, and months after that, when I spend most of my time writing, I had these unbelievable goals: become a full-time writer; publish a book in 2 years; and write 50,000 words in a month.

And as you guess, I failed every single of my goal. I didn't always write 2,000 words a day, thus, publishing a book in 2 years was out of the question. The worst of all was that I faced failure every single day. Failing of achieving goals that I myself made up. Months of being in a writing slump, not being able to write anything, crying knowing that I want to be a writer so bad yet I have so little word count, making me set aside my writing goals, and moved to another I-think-I-would-fail goal: pursue masters abroad; and get a scholarship.

And as you've predicted, I didn't achieve any of them. What's funny is, not because I failed after I actually tried, but because I didn't even dare to try them, just because of this stupid assumption: 

"I will fail anyway why bother trying." 

Looking back from now to that day, I realize how silly I was. How afraid I was just to try out something I know I've been dreaming of since I was born (becoming a writer), and of achieving something I know I genuinely wanted to (studying abroad). Two big dreams, that never, even for a day, that I forget how much I want them. 

Years later, fast forward to today, despite the fact that my fear of failure was not as crippling as it used to be, I still find it difficult to form a habit that sticks, especially when it comes to big tasks like writing a book and doing my translating jobs. I can say I can barely enjoy the process. 

However, here's the good news. For the past couple of months to a year, I've built two small habits: tracking expense; and journaling.

Why do they stick? Because they're easy, tiny, and literally require only 60 seconds of my 24-hour. I even skip one to three days and still managed to come back to them, maintain them for the whole month, and before I realized it, they become a habit that makes me feel something's missing when they're gone. 

Referencing that success, I took this book on habit building, which I bet everyone knows, Atomic Habits by James Clear, read the entire pages, highlighted every important note, and ingrained the most powerful mindset-shift to my perfectionist self, that:

"perfection is not possible.. The problem is not slipping up; the problem is thinking that if you can't do something perfectly, then you shouldn't do it at all." 

Out of lots of great tips on habits in that book, that very sentence rings the loudest bell to me. The next thing I know was I created this handwritten August calendar, and tell myself:

"for the whole month, I am going try to stick with habits that I've been doing on-and-off for the last couple of years. I have 5 colors for 5 habits. For every habit I do that day, even when I do it for only 10 seconds, I'll give myself a reward: I'll mark that day with one color. And by the end of the day, if I managed to do all the habits, I'll get a day full of colors."

Today, August 30, 30 days sharp after I created that system, I see myself sticking with these habits:

exercise: 18 days;

meditate: 15 days;

learn French: 22 days;

read: 25 days. 

If there's anything that I learn from my habit-building journey, it is not that the system doesn't work for me, or the habits are too hard to do, or that I'm not rewarding myself enough after completing each habit, it is more of finding the bell that rings the most. In my case, the bell is my perfectionism, and all it takes to ring that bell is that one sentence from that book, that I summarize:

"you are the person you are, not because of things you don't do in a day or two, but because of things you mostly do on most days."  

 

Second Chance

One day, I was in the TV room, a place where I usually escape from the boredom of my room, staring at my phone, at the deadline of an application for something that potentially makes me better at what I do now, as a psychology student. It was a day late. The deadline was yesterday. I was hesitant about whether or not I should submit my CV anyway, with the assumption that no one cares if I'm late for just one day. The hesitation led me to not submitting it that day.   

The following day, I found myself staring at the same announcement. It was still there, at exactly the same place as it was yesterday. Today, I am two days late. Nothing was new in the WhatsApp group at where the announcement is. Nothing. None. I assumed whoever is in charge of this program, has not even checked her email, where the applicants submit their high hopes to learning some more during the summer break. 

"Okay, then," I decided. 

All it took was just sending my CV and that's all. Maybe a few words of apologies and some more requests to consider accepting my application despite me sending it two days late. I checked my one-paged CV. Everything I wrote was perfect. I attached it to my email and wrote the most flattering body of email, asking sincerely for the recipient to give this really eager-to-learn student and let her learn, as to how everyone in the university should do for their students. 

I clicked on the send button and it was sent to the air like a balloon. My heartbeat was so freaking fast, my hands were sweating, but I was so relieved that I did what I just did: asking for a second chance. Something that I wouldn't be able to do so bravely in the past. By past, I mean two years ago. 

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a girl who is afraid of everything. I'm afraid of failing, of being seen failing, of not giving my most perfect work, and of people. The fear that I have usually depended on the situation I'm facing. Each fear will take turn sabotaging my mind and finally make me feel like I'm not enough in every possible circumstance. 

But today, that day, I was not that girl anymore. I finally am the girl that I've never imagined I would ever be. I was brave and did something out of bravery. I took opportunities because I am willing to move forward, instead of being afraid if I'm not moving forward. 

Once I clicked that button, I stared at the white wall underneath the hanging TV, I stared at one specific spot like it was a light from heaven, and there was when I had my mind blown. 

"You did it," I whispered to myself. "You really did it," I whispered some more. 

For the first time in my 25 years of life, I did something that I truly see as "something". It is "something" not because I achieved that straight-A at school, nor because I contribute important works to the world of science or whatever that the majority of people would name as "something". But it is more of "something" that only I myself can experience, "something" that only me can tell the difference. 

A week later, after worrying whether or not anyone found my email, I received an invitation to a WhatsApp group. A group where all the applicants of that project gathered. I became part of the team.

That was when I realized, that the "something" that everyone has been talking about all the time, is actually just a bonus from the real "something" that I've achieved within myself. From this now on, I can imagine myself being at any worst-case scenario and not being afraid anymore.