March 10, 2018

Time Wasted


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Since the very beginning of March, I've tried to put a job for every hour per day. I managed to do well until today, the first wasted day of the entire month of March. Literally, all I did was none: had my mind flown away somewhere, abandoned my IELTS practice book, let the laundry drown and did not even have an appetite for any meals. So far, I could clearly declare that today is the most wasted day of the month (hoping there won't be any day like this until end of March). I've always been hated wasting my time, moreover, when I felt like having no control upon the procrastination monkey inside my brain. Beside the day that I failed the IELTS prediction test, this was way worse.    

March 7, 2018

Recharging

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My friend has stayed in my place since past three days. Today, before I wasn't properly awaken, she went home. Since then, it was me, myself and I left. But I need a ritual that assist my state of mind to be fully transferred from me-being-with-someone-zone into me-myself-and-I-zone. So, after finishing a prediction test for writing and speaking (IELTS of course), I was planning to go straight to anywhere but my room. Along the way to that somewhere, I had a talk to myself about: my band score prediction for the prediction test; how I would be able to have a better-scheduled-self-study;  and whether I'll have another bottle of yogurt before bed. 

Unpredictably, I spent 1.5 hours of self-studying in a public place (where I could act like a high-achieving-student that practice with my book without giving a care to the world). My dinner was unpredictably good as well. So did my day. Now, I'm fully present for being with my own self. 

Punishment

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Today is a writing days. I spent hours just to write fours paragraph of essay. I don't want to look like a fool, that was my goal, so I put so much effort without considering the time limit. Wasting time is a thing that I hated the most after a song titled Akad that is still played in 2018, but still I was wasting time. It might look like I did a positive thing through writing. In fact, it's no longer positive if it ate up more time than it supposed to. Though I wrote with a good idea flow, I abandoned the rule, I practice in a wrong way, I should've lost marks. Moreover, I let myself practice in a way that is too far from the actual test atmosphere: I listened to music, had a chat, a meal, a drink and unnecessary headache. 

I should punish myself, so I had two bottles of yogurt with a discount that's only sold in Indomaret. Suddenly, I don't know what's the difference between punishment and reward.

Marriage

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We haven't been talking about boys for ages and here it comes again. There's a couple with six years apart, the man will turn 30 by next month, the woman is all grown up. They've known each other for three months and there'll be no other objection besides marriage. But still the woman should be convinced about one thing, which she consider to be vital to start a family. "Good! Keep it up!" I said. Suddenly, an image of two people, that used to be strangers, living for each other for the rest of their lives, started to blow up my head. Again.

I can't even imagine having a husband in the next five or ten years. Just like I couldn't image graduating from Psychology, going overseas, making a friend, or just as simple as waking up early. I captured nothing, but I just did them anyway. So don't judge me from not having a future-related-to-marriage pictured in my current stage. I'm still planning my future though it has nothing to do with being someone's wife.   

March 4, 2018

Beam of Light


Thank God for sending me a friend for sleep over since last few days, instead of letting me slowly losing my sanity in lonesome. Another meeting that I had today with GPY Semarang was also successfully enhance my sense-of-being-a-human. Moreover, I should send some important documents to friends, thus I need to talk with more people than I did in no-mail-to-be-sent days. 

Besides, a miracle also happened today. A friend was willing to help me with IELTS' writing feedback. Suddenly, I saw a beam of light at the end of the unknown street. I started to feel like knowing where to step on and where to avoid. I gained back the spirit to learn, which used to reach its lowest point since the  end  of February. 

For the first time since several weeks, I wrote some proper words in an academical structure for the sake of the IELTS writing section 2. It took ages for me to meet the end. But still, I enjoy the whole process of arranging words into sentence, until an essay was formed. 

Thanks, brain. I'm nothing without you.   

Annoyed

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I woke up knowing that I wasn't alone. My friend had a slept over. More or less, she made me more human than usual. God bless, I've got someone to had my dinner with and someone to laugh with. She brought back my sense-of-being-a-human into a much different level, 

I wasn't home since early morning for the sake of meeting a potential partner for GPY Semarang. But it ended up being the worst meeting ever. I knew that I was the only one bothered being so punctuate and drive all the way to their place, while they didn't even try to do so. I knew such human are exist. But still I'm annoyed.

Me and GPY had another meeting, set a time for the event and structured the organizing committee. I left before it was ended, went to my IELTS course place and had a prediction test. I came home knowing that I indeed know nothing about nothing. Zero. 

March 3, 2018

February Wrap-Up

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The beginning of a new month has come in a blink of an eye. In February, (beside turning 22) I started and finished my IETLS course, which I supposed to take more seriously with doing more self-study instead of relying on what's the tutor telling me. I had an IELTS simulation for reading and listening. Don't ask me how I was doing. I was terrible. That's all. I  wasn't even expecting any score higher than 4. Even 3. A good thing about learning English (again) is feeling good about feeling like a foolish. At least I knew something that I'm terrible at. Apparently, every single thing. 

Beside the IELTS, I took another role in GPY Semarang as a vice leader. I knew I should've just stepped aside from any organizational thingy, because I felt like I've done enough for this past four years. Unfortunately, that was the only thing that made me stay human: meet people and communicate right to others' eyes. Our team will conduct two major events by only two months of preparation and I'm ready to be insane with them. I was encouraged to maintain my own project and was expected enlarge the impact. I wasn't even given the chance to question why the hell those people were counting on my project so much. 

Last but not least, I'm still living up my dream which has been there since I wasn't even know how to ride a bike: writing a book. So far, I've done.. nothing but a rough outline which has come to an endless revising phase. On daily basis, I still observe people and play silly scenarios in my head with them as the main characters, I still rather be with my hand-written note than a digital one to keep any sudden-coming ideas and most of all.. I still have no idea on how to finish the damn outline. Wish for a progress in March. 

Wish me luck.