Letting Her Go

I've been in a battle. 

Turns out, it's never been really a battle. 

It was just her, demanding my attention. 

Once I granted her request, 

she did leave for good. 

It was that simple.

But for some reasons, 

I couldn't see it back then. 

After reading Deep Work by Cal Newport, I've been a slave of distraction-free life. I deleted my instant messaging accounts, requested a schedule to remove my Facebook account, permanently deleted my Instagram account, blocked YouTube, deleted all of my tweets and currently, considering to deactivate my twitter account, leaving this blog as my only digital trace. The initial goal was, obviously, to be less distracted and be more productive. It worked for, at least.. a month. 

What happened after that? 

I was still distracted.

I still got caught in a crowd inside my head even when I was supposed to be physically-distraction-free. I couldn't enjoy myself when I was physically alone, when I wasn't with my phone nor internet. I couldn't even let myself asleep without having my mind wandered. Even when I was already sleeping, my mind still wandered to random places with random people.

Then, I realized, I was just doing the easy part. The surface. The shallows. The real distraction was lying within myself all this time, messing up with my mind, taking over the control on my body, making me a robot who do things in auto pilot. The brutal fact was, I didn't aware of that. I was busy blaming the external factors, while denying the internal distractions.

I told myself denial shits, like..

"No prob. You're good. Keep going."
"Ignore it. You can do this."
"Oh no, you know you're not like that."

And guess what? None of those shits worked on me.

I was too afraid to dive into my own mind. I was too scared that I might get myself trapped in a room full of nightmares. I was such a coward that I didn't even dare to think about the worst case scenario my mind might create.

But I can't just sit still all the time, wishing my mind would fix itself. This situation left me with no choice, but to take the courage to talk to her.

My anxiety.

I took position: sat on my working chair, straightened my back, put my hands on my knees, closed my eyes and tried to find her.

But, she wasn't there.

I tried for the second time. Didn't work either.

Until here I am, on my third trial and I did it. I found her.

She wasn't as scary as I thought. She was round-shaped and so small, like a coin. She was dark grey. Almost as dark as the room she lived, making her hard to find. I found myself in a same size as her. Also round-shaped and small, but I was brighter, like a beam of light. We both flew in the dark room. Our voices echoed.

"Hi, Anxiety. How are you?" I greeted. 

"I'm great. You?"

"I bet you know me better that I know me myself."

She smirked. "Of course, I do."

"Well, here's the thing," I paused just to find words. "I think you've been here for too long. I need to be alone and you're not helping. You're messing up instead."

"Oh.. so, you want me to leave?" she replied in sorrow.

Suddenly, I felt bad for her. "No, Anxiety. I mean.. yes, I want you to leave. But, of course, you can visit me later on." Oh no, this girl surely knows how to manipulate people. "For now, I need to take back the control to my own self, I need to live a life of distraction free and I think.. you just made me even more distracted. You've had enough work here. I appreciated that. Now, it's my turn."

"Will you be less distracted without my presence?" she asked sadly, made me almost believed that she asked because she genuinely care of my well being. 

"I definitely will."

She flew further from me, looked around at the all-black-and-boring room, like it really breaks her heart to leave this place (I wasn't even sure she has a heart). "If that will make your life better, then, I can't stay here anymore. I've been here for too long indeed. Maybe it's time for me to have a break. Here." She gave me a steering wheel. "It's yours again now. I'm leaving." She smiled (wasn't sure how she did that, but I just saw her did that anyway).

By the time my lungs inhale some air to us, she prepared herself. Then, she let herself taken away  by the air as my lungs exhale. It took several times of breathing for her to leave. Suddenly, there was silence. The dark room wasn't there anymore. I flew out to my brain. 

"She's gone now," I said to brain.

"But what if she comes back?"

"I will be here and talk to her just like what I've done. As long as I'm aware of my own self.. I think, I could handle any kind of negative emotions. They don't need my shitty denial. They just need a little attention." I wasn't really sure of what I said, but for now, that's the least I could say. I handed him the steering wheel.

"I hope that's true," Brain said as he took the steering wheel, gained back the control to my mind and body, and send me back to the consciousness.

I hope so. I whispered to myself.