Punishment

Today is a writing days. I spent hours just to write fours paragraph of essay. I don't want to look like a fool, that was my goal, so I put so much effort without considering the time limit. Wasting time is a thing that I hated the most after a song titled Akad that is still played in 2018, but still I was wasting time. It might look like I did a positive thing through writing. In fact, it's no longer positive if it ate up more time than it supposed to. Though I wrote with a good idea flow, I abandoned the rule, I practice in a wrong way, I should've lost marks. Moreover, I let myself practice in a way that is too far from the actual test atmosphere: I listened to music, had a chat, a meal, a drink and unnecessary headache. 

I should punish myself, so I had two bottles of yogurt with a discount that's only sold in Indomaret. Suddenly, I don't know what's the difference between punishment and reward.

Marriage

We haven't been talking about boys for ages and here it comes again. There's a couple with six years apart, the man will turn 30 by next month, the woman is all grown up. They've known each other for three months and there'll be no other objection besides marriage. But still the woman should be convinced about one thing, which she consider to be vital to start a family. "Good! Keep it up!" I said. Suddenly, an image of two people, that used to be strangers, living for each other for the rest of their lives, started to blow up my head. Again.

I can't even imagine having a husband in the next five or ten years. Just like I couldn't image graduating from Psychology, going overseas, making a friend, or just as simple as waking up early. I captured nothing, but I just did them anyway. So don't judge me from not having a future-related-to-marriage pictured in my current stage. I'm still planning my future though it has nothing to do with being someone's wife.   

Beam of Light

Thank God for sending me a friend for sleep over since last few days, instead of letting me slowly losing my sanity in lonesome. Another meeting that I had today with GPY Semarang was also successfully enhance my sense-of-being-a-human. Moreover, I should send some important documents to friends, thus I need to talk with more people than I did in no-mail-to-be-sent days. 

Besides, a miracle also happened today. A friend was willing to help me with IELTS' writing feedback. Suddenly, I saw a beam of light at the end of the unknown street. I started to feel like knowing where to step on and where to avoid. I gained back the spirit to learn, which used to reach its lowest point since the  end  of February. 

For the first time since several weeks, I wrote some proper words in an academical structure for the sake of the IELTS writing section 2. It took ages for me to meet the end. But still, I enjoy the whole process of arranging words into sentence, until an essay was formed. 

Thanks, brain. I'm nothing without you.   

Annoyed

I woke up knowing that I wasn't alone. My friend had a slept over. More or less, she made me more human than usual. God bless, I've got someone to had my dinner with and someone to laugh with. She brought back my sense-of-being-a-human into a much different level, 

I wasn't home since early morning for the sake of meeting a potential partner for GPY Semarang. But it ended up being the worst meeting ever. I knew that I was the only one bothered being so punctuate and drive all the way to their place, while they didn't even try to do so. I knew such human are exist. But still I'm annoyed.

Me and GPY had another meeting, set a time for the event and structured the organizing committee. I left before it was ended, went to my IELTS course place and had a prediction test. I came home knowing that I indeed know nothing about nothing. Zero. 

February Wrap-Up

The beginning of a new month has come in a blink of an eye. In February, (beside turning 22) I started and finished my IETLS course, which I supposed to take more seriously with doing more self-study instead of relying on what's the tutor telling me. I had an IELTS simulation for reading and listening. Don't ask me how I was doing. I was terrible. That's all. I  wasn't even expecting any score higher than 4. Even 3. A good thing about learning English (again) is feeling good about feeling like a foolish. At least I knew something that I'm terrible at. Apparently, every single thing. 

Beside the IELTS, I took another role in GPY Semarang as a vice leader. I knew I should've just stepped aside from any organizational thingy, because I felt like I've done enough for this past four years. Unfortunately, that was the only thing that made me stay human: meet people and communicate right to others' eyes. Our team will conduct two major events by only two months of preparation and I'm ready to be insane with them. I was encouraged to maintain my own project and was expected enlarge the impact. I wasn't even given the chance to question why the hell those people were counting on my project so much. 

Last but not least, I'm still living up my dream which has been there since I wasn't even know how to ride a bike: writing a book. So far, I've done.. nothing but a rough outline which has come to an endless revising phase. On daily basis, I still observe people and play silly scenarios in my head with them as the main characters, I still rather be with my hand-written note than a digital one to keep any sudden-coming ideas and most of all.. I still have no idea on how to finish the damn outline. Wish for a progress in March. 

Wish me luck.

I Hated an Innocence

I used to hate my sister so freaking much.  I had no idea why was it not enough for my parents to just have a daughter, instead of two. I used to wish to live all by my own, having all Barbies in the entire world without sharing a play with someone, choosing any meal I wanted without letting the young made the first choice and most of all, I wanted to live in peace without being interrupted by the mess others made.

Nevertheless, as I grew up the hatred was lessen, because there are no more Barbies that I wanted to play with, there is no more meal that I wanted more over other meal and I could create my own peacefulness in any circumstances. I let my parents and sister decided whatever they wanted me to do. I’ll be super acceptance to whatever their choices are. My adolescence was over and the entrance to adulthood couldn’t be more obvious. I was no longer find a reason to keep the hatred, thus it’s vanished.

As I turned 22 recently, I received a love letter from this little shit. I started to cry. I stopped crying just to start another round of tears. I know I should’ve not hated an innocence.

Malang, 11/02/2018

Dear my favorite human,

I couldn't be any happier to have you in my life.

I could sing and dance on this pathetic life is because of you.

I couldn't be here as myself if you're not there by my side.

I could know what is wrong and right is because of you.

Do you know what?

I believe in everything that you do is gonna bring you good.

Just remember that I'll always be here to cry like a baby with you, 

to chill like a cool kid with you, to rock the shit in life like a pro with you.

I'll always be here as your little sister who you can rely on.

Happy birthday!

Love,

Opik

Wejangan dari Si Satu untuk Si Dua

22. Lihatlah dua angka dua yang bersebelahan itu. Akhirnya tiba giliran mereka bersama, menggantikan Si Dua dan Si Satu yang tadinya juga bersama. Sebelum Si Satu lengser, ia memberikan wejangan berikut pada Si Dua:

1. kendalikan dirimu sendiri lebih dari orang lain mengendalikanmu;
2. kendalikan dirimu sendiri lebih dari internet mengendalikanmu;
3. bedakan antara orang-orang yang datang untuk menetap dan orang-orang yang datang untuk pergi;
4. waspada pada monnyet prokrastinasi. Ia benar-benar ada, sampai kau menyadari bahwa usiamu habis hanya untuk meladeni Si Monyet;
5. manusia tidak butuh tetek bengek sebanyak dan atau semahal itu untuk mempertahankan kemanusiaannya. Hal yang tidak dibutuhkan: skin care mahal, make up mahal, buku-buku yang dibeli tapi belum tentu dibaca, subscribe Youtube channel artis-artis tanpa faedah, bermimpi jadi anaknya JK Rowling. Hal yang mempertahankan kemanusiaan: berbagi pada yang membutuhkan, tenggang rasa, jujur, memikirkan skripsi, mengerjakan skripsi, sayang pada sesama makhluk hidup, sayang Tuhan;
6. kalau gelisah, kembali ke napas. Kata Pak Hans, emosi, perasaan dan pikiran yang macam-macam itu sebenarnya netral. Yang membuat begah adalah kalau meladeni mereka sampai jadi biang keladi perseteruan internal ataupun eksternal. Supaya tidak begah: kembali ke napas;
7. buat target harian yang realistis. Setidaknya, capai setengah dari target harian. Tapi kebanyakan bikin target juga tidak baik. Bisa membuat sense of accomplishment rendah;
8. dunia terlalu sempit untuk dilihat dari yang terlihat. Jangan terlalu pusing, tapi jangan terlalu pasrah. Temukan sumber semangat yang tidak terlihat. Sumber yang tidak cari-cari semangat dari sumber lain. Jangan manja pada manusia;
9. kalau mau mengerjakan sesuatu, jangan dipikir ritualnya. Misal: mau skripsian, tapi yang dipikir, Aah beberes kosan dulu. Aah cari café enak dulu. Aah ngidam makan ini aah. Yang harusnya dipikirkan: aah mau cari jurnal buat self-handicapping. Aah mau ngelarin dinamika psikologis. Aah masih mau ke Teknik Sipil ambil 20 subjek;
10. hobi yang konsumtif harus diikuti dengan hobi yang produktif. Seperti hobi menimbun buku yang belum tentu dibaca semua, diimbangi dengan menulis banyak-banyak walaupun isinya sampah;
11. nyatanya kau bisa jadi contoh bagi orang lain kalau mau bertindak;
12. diapresiasi itu membuat sadar tentang manfaat hal-hal yang kau kira tidak sebermanfaat itu. Walaupun cuman bagi-bagi mainan ke anak-anak PAUD yang sekarang sekolahnya sudah ditutup, nyatanya ada segelintir orang yang minta projek itu dikembangkan;
13. kadar rasa rindu pada keluarga itu seperti gunung es;
14. berikan apa yang bisa diberikan pada keluarga. Apa pun. Sungguh;
15. bukan perjalanan namanya kalau tidak ada bebatuannya;
16. jangan berpikir telah tiba di akhir perjalanan, kalau belum benar-benar sampai. Dosen penguji yang hilang batang hidungnya, ketua sidang yang penuh ancaman, adalah contoh bebatuan yang selalu muncul di detik-detik terakhir;
17. manusia yang mati rasa itu benar-benar ada. Apa mungkin itu bukan manusia?;
18. pertahankan manusia-manusia yang selalu menempel denganmu, biasanya mereka menularkan hal-hal baik juga. Seperti merangsangmu untuk rajin skripsian dan wisuda bersama;
19. raga sering iri pada jiwa karena jarang diolah. Jadi, ber-olahraga-lah;
20. makan-makanan beracun bikin kau merasa bersalah pada tubuh. Sungguh perasaan yang tidak mengenakkan;
21. itulah wejangan dari Si Satu. Satu pamit. Selamat Tinggal.