First Day

My first day at work was overwhelming. I barely feel my feet on the ground, I wasn't even sure of what I was doing on the desk, until you showed up and reminded me to stay focus. It was just one day after you asked me, whether or not I was sure about having a job.

"I'm super sure I'll get this job," I said. You were with me, on my motorbike, right after my first time ever job interview. The sun was shinning too bright as usual, pollution was all over the places as usual.

"Will it make you stay human?" you asked. It was the same question you've been asking since.. God knows when.

We discussed this. About having a job to keep me sane, to keep me away from being stressed out of my messed up thought. You named it, 'to stay human'. You suggested me some conditions for the job that I could apply for:

1. it's nearby;
2. it's not that demanding;

3. it's doesn't use up my writing time.

"They have children, parents, English, assignments. What's better than that?" I answered, tried to sound confident.

You were not there for several next hours, hid at the back of my head, until a text message arrived, telling me to start working immediately, on the following day. You nodded, smiled and gave a bless to my first day ever in my first job ever.

A Debt

It's been five months since the day I graduate. I sat next to my best friend in the balcony, staring at a mountain that was covered with night lights, small buildings, houses' roof, and trees' canopies.

"How does it feel?" you asked.

"I feel nothing," I answered. You know I was lying. I was too overwhelmed with abundance of feelings that was coming back and forth during this five months period. You know I've felt too much ups and downs, you know I've had enough with them, but you also know that they'll keep on coming to me until I finish things I supposed to finish.

"Don't you miss those days? When all you've got was days packed with schedule? When you're surrounded with friends you interacted with, with tasks someone asked you to do, with deadlines someone else made for you to meet, with a potential that was chained for the sake of comfort? Weren't those days beautiful? I wish I could stay in that moment forever. Don't you?"

I shook my head. "Not at all. I'm good now. I was dying back then. I should've escaped earlier. The chain was locked too tight. I barely find my way out."

You giggled. "So, you regret being in those days? After all the excitements?"

"I said nothing about being in regret. They were indeed beautiful. But I won't miss any of them. The future seem to worth more my regret though."

"It hasn't even happened. What's the regret for?"

"I regret for not being able to make them to come earlier. I mean, if I spare more time juggling between doing other's order and doing my own thing, I don't think that I'll be this stupid. You know, the procrastination, laziness and stuff. They're here with me, since the day I was born. Could you help me getting rid of them? Please? For me? Your bestie?"

"I've got them too. I should help myself as well," you paused. "What about exchanging problems? I'll face yours and you'll do mine. We live in the same head, remember?" you giggled. I giggled.

You know, we both are stupid. But we laughed at it anyway. I've never been so stubborn with any of decisions I've made. But this time, it won't remain the same. I've told you like.. billion times that I'll keep on moving forward, following the direction that the smaller version of me was created. People named it dreams. I named it debt. The potential, the spirit, the desire, the persistence, were things that were given by my old self, to my current self. As an exchange, my current self should pay back by realizing certain objectives.

After exchanging giggles, I brought you back inside my head, in the corner of my brain, letting you wait there until a time when I need a bestie to talk with. 

Strangers Interaction

There are some characteristics of strangers-interaction:

1. consist of communication between two or more people
2. run in short period of time;
3. happen in public places, e.g: train, shops, street, etc.
4. based on mutual-short-term physical circumstances, e.g: strangers being passengers of a train because of a mutual interest of going to their destinations, strangers being in a bus stop because of a mutual interest of waiting for a bus to come.

Recently, I took a train from Malang and Semarang, and interacted with two strangers during the trip. We were perfectly fulfilled those characteristics and we had such a great trip because of each other. Once I arrived in Semarang, one of those two strangers, tried to extend our strangers interaction which ignores characteristic number two, three and four. Let's called him X.    

What did he do? 

After I arrived in Semarang, according to the characteristics, the strangers-interaction between me and those two strangers, are automatically ended. Because the short period of time has ended (characteristic number 2) and I didn't have the mutual-short-term physical circumstance with them anymore (characteristic number 4).

But instead, X was keep on sending me messages and bombarding me with calls while I was in my private room, a place where it's impossible for me to build any common interest with anyone. There are only two possibilities to explain what X tried to do: he didn't know how strangers-interaction should be (which makes him stupid); or he wanted to create a completely new interaction (which makes him stupid as well). In other words, a stranger could not interact with another stranger, if: he wants to have a longer period of interaction; he doesn't interact in public places; or there is no mutual-short-term-circumstances. So, for me, there would be two possibilities as well: ignoring X completely because he doesn't act to fulfill strangers-interaction anymore; or responding to X that might lead to interaction that is completely different with strangers interaction. 

I chose the former (the latter doesn't even look like a choice, it's a nightmare).

Once a strangers-interaction is ended, there will be another series of  strangers interactions that are created and ended within seconds. They replace one another according to each person's mobility and interest. That's why, it was easy for X to jump from strangers-interactions into a new interaction that he tried to build. But at the same time, it was also super easy for me to jump to another strangers interactions without considering any of my interactions with any strangers in the past. 

If I Knew It Earlier

Whole my life, I've been questioning, why do Muslims have to pray for so many times a day? Even when I was 13, I told my Catholic friend that I envy her for not having to pray that much. And she said nothing as a response, causing me become even more envy of other religions, that in my eyes, they are much easier to be practiced. The same thought emerged every Ramadhan. Though it's never been that hard for me to fast (because I just hated to eat), but still, the believe that becoming a Muslim is such a burden, was always been in my head for as long as I could remember.   

In the next several years of my life, I started to feel less burdened to practice my religious routine. However, the routines were just feel so plain to me: praying, fasting, doing more good, doing less harm, etc. I valued my prayer only when I have ulterior motives, like: wanted Him to ease me through a hardship, wanted Him to guide me through the process of reaching a goal, etc. It's not the prayer itself that I needed, instead, it was the reward following the prayer that I pursue. In fact, it is not a wrong thing to do. It is just not a motive that could keep me on giving a value to every prayer I do.

Until after the day I graduated in January, where everything in my future was just seem so blur (even until today), I started to find goals where possible: writing stories, learning IELTS, aiming for abroad scholarship. I was overwhelmed by goals. 

After battling with the anxiety and doubt, I decided that it's time to get a grip. 

To where? To who? 

Him. 

I changed my intention. I changed my goal. I mentioned it in every prayer. 

I tell Him, that I do live in the name of Him. I live because He should be the only ultimate goal of everything I'm doing. I've had enough of myself, my goals, people and the world in general, but Him. 

So, I came back to Him like I've never been there before. 

Then, my prayer started to be a need, rather than an obligation. My prayer started to be a talk to a Lover, rather than memorized Arabic words. I started to miss Him even more when it was not the prayer time. 

Then, I started to see Him everywhere. In a tree that grows in front of my room, in colony of ants that are passing by my room door, in ripe fruits I bought for lunch, in the skin of a lizard, in a bucket of water in my bathroom. I saw Him everywhere.

Until then, I knew that I should've been present for Him, instead of Him being the only one who presents for me. 

Live shouldn't have been this hard if I knew it earlier. 

Her

This anxiety has continuously come since the day I graduated. The whole thing about graduation was never been a matter to me. But it was, for my mom. My sister told me that mom was bursting into tears while staring at me walking down the hall wearing the whole graduation attire. Of course, it's never been my success. It's my mom's. She's the one who did all the struggle, I was just having fun while studying a little.

Time Wasted

Since the very beginning of March, I've tried to put a job for every hour per day. I managed to do well until today, the first wasted day of the entire month of March. Literally, all I did was none: had my mind flown away somewhere, abandoned my IELTS practice book, let the laundry drown and did not even have an appetite for any meals. So far, I could clearly declare that today is the most wasted day of the month (hoping there won't be any day like this until end of March). I've always been hated wasting my time, moreover, when I felt like having no control upon the procrastination monkey inside my brain. Beside the day that I failed the IELTS prediction test, this was way worse.    

Recharging

My friend has stayed in my place since past three days. Today, before I wasn't properly awaken, she went home. Since then, it was me, myself and I left. But I need a ritual that assist my state of mind to be fully transferred from me-being-with-someone-zone into me-myself-and-I-zone. So, after finishing a prediction test for writing and speaking (IELTS of course), I was planning to go straight to anywhere but my room. Along the way to that somewhere, I had a talk to myself about: my band score prediction for the prediction test; how I would be able to have a better-scheduled-self-study;  and whether I'll have another bottle of yogurt before bed. 

Unpredictably, I spent 1.5 hours of self-studying in a public place (where I could act like a high-achieving-student that practice with my book without giving a care to the world). My dinner was unpredictably good as well. So did my day. Now, I'm fully present for being with my own self.