Her

This anxiety has continuously come since the day I graduated. The whole thing about graduation was never been a matter to me. But it was, for my mom. My sister told me that mom was bursting into tears while staring at me walking down the hall wearing the whole graduation attire. Of course, it's never been my success. It's my mom's. She's the one who did all the struggle, I was just having fun while studying a little.

And now here I am. Three months after graduation, still financially dependent to her, living far away from her, telling her all the time that I need more time to be success. 

Here I am, doubting myself, being overwhelmed, questioning if all the hard work and tears of her has ever been worth it, if all the lonesome she's been through has ever been paid by my mere existence, if I am worth enough to fight for, by all of her blood, sweat and tears.  

Here I am, wondering how could she put the trust on me to be a kind of daughter that she's always been dreaming of, how could she take all the burden alone while letting me do the easy part, how could she's so consistent with her prayer for a daughter that could not even make all of her struggle paid, how could, after all of those, still, she put the blame on herself and apologizing for not sending her daughter's allowance on time, how could she, after a long day at work, making a call and telling me if there's anything that she needs to purchase for me, how could she, after being alone this whole time, still, have the strength to hold back whatever she's holding back. 

While here I am, sobbing, believing that I have been a bad daughter. Because a good daughter does not make her mom holding back nor apologizing.

Somehow, I'm wondering if it is her that I'm worrying about, or it is just myself? 

What if I fail? What if I'll never be that successful daughter that makes her proud? What if I'll never be that daughter that could be a proud in every chitty chat she has with people? What if I remained as what I am now? What if I've just never been destined to be anywhere but here and now? Will it be okay? I wonder.

I know.

Of course it's not.