The Most Frightening Day

The most frightening day of my life has come: the day that I failed. 

This is what I've been afraid of the most my entire life. I woke up that morning and looked at the scholarship announcement just to find out that I didn't make it, that I failed. I spent the next couple of hours in bed scrolling down funny baby videos on Instagram just to get my head off of the failure. 

I spent another hour trying to digest what is happening inside me. Is there a disappointment? Is there sadness? Is there guilt? I took the time seriously to make sure that I'm aware of my feelings instead of ignoring them. There wasn't any sadness. If there was a disappointment, it was so little that I could barely notice it (even after all the effort I took to actually sit down and feel my chest). The guilt was too, zero. 

"See? It's not that bad," I told myself. Failing is not that bad. 

I cooked fried rice for breakfast and shared it with my boyfriend. He came over, besides for a free meal, also to console me. He was all about complimenting my cooking and posting it on WhatsApp, and agreeing that this can't possibly be my fault, for not making it to get the scholarship that would support me in finishing my master's. He said all other possibilities that might be the reason I didn't make it, which all of them are systemic reasons, and I couldn't agree more.  

But then for the rest of the day, I allow myself to not do anything. I was on my laptop all day, but I couldn't work or write my thesis. I binge-watched videos everywhere, on YouTube, Netflix, and Disney+. I ordered pizza all for myself and went to bed early. 

This is weird how now I reacted to failure. Something feels off. Something doesn't feel familiar and right for me. 

I was supposed to cry, blame myself, and think of how miserable and worthless I am, but believe it or not, I did not. Not even a single negative thought was through my mind, other than about how pitiful my country is for not having enough money to fund even only a very small number of their college students to develop. How miserable it is for this country to cut down on everything during the pandemic, including education funds. All of those thoughts are external and none of them has anything to do with me as an individual. Thus, none of those is my fault, and none of these define me as a human. 

Another surprising thing about reaching the revelation is that I can imagine failing and being okay with that. I can imagine myself trying again even after failing, and that does not include me beating myself up. 

And guess what, I started my Youtube channel that day!!