Perfection is Not Possible

I might say that I'm not the type of person that likes routines, but I also couldn't say that I like not having a plan on a daily basis. I've been experimenting with a lot of systems for implementing new habits in my life, for about four years now. 

It all started back then when I was working on my undergrad thesis until a year after I graduated. I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted to do, including doing my hobby. Writing has always been my hobby since childhood, and I've always known that I want to be a writer. In my last year of college, and months after that, when I spend most of my time writing, I had these unbelievable goals: become a full-time writer; publish a book in 2 years; and write 50,000 words in a month.

And as you guess, I failed every single of my goal. I didn't always write 2,000 words a day, thus, publishing a book in 2 years was out of the question. The worst of all was that I faced failure every single day. Failing of achieving goals that I myself made up. Months of being in a writing slump, not being able to write anything, crying knowing that I want to be a writer so bad yet I have so little word count, making me set aside my writing goals, and moved to another I-think-I-would-fail goal: pursue masters abroad; and get a scholarship.

And as you've predicted, I didn't achieve any of them. What's funny is, not because I failed after I actually tried, but because I didn't even dare to try them, just because of this stupid assumption: 

"I will fail anyway why bother trying." 

Looking back from now to that day, I realize how silly I was. How afraid I was just to try out something I know I've been dreaming of since I was born (becoming a writer), and of achieving something I know I genuinely wanted to (studying abroad). Two big dreams, that never, even for a day, that I forget how much I want them. 

Years later, fast forward to today, despite the fact that my fear of failure was not as crippling as it used to be, I still find it difficult to form a habit that sticks, especially when it comes to big tasks like writing a book and doing my translating jobs. I can say I can barely enjoy the process. 

However, here's the good news. For the past couple of months to a year, I've built two small habits: tracking expense; and journaling.

Why do they stick? Because they're easy, tiny, and literally require only 60 seconds of my 24-hour. I even skip one to three days and still managed to come back to them, maintain them for the whole month, and before I realized it, they become a habit that makes me feel something's missing when they're gone. 

Referencing that success, I took this book on habit building, which I bet everyone knows, Atomic Habits by James Clear, read the entire pages, highlighted every important note, and ingrained the most powerful mindset-shift to my perfectionist self, that:

"perfection is not possible.. The problem is not slipping up; the problem is thinking that if you can't do something perfectly, then you shouldn't do it at all." 

Out of lots of great tips on habits in that book, that very sentence rings the loudest bell to me. The next thing I know was I created this handwritten August calendar, and tell myself:

"for the whole month, I am going try to stick with habits that I've been doing on-and-off for the last couple of years. I have 5 colors for 5 habits. For every habit I do that day, even when I do it for only 10 seconds, I'll give myself a reward: I'll mark that day with one color. And by the end of the day, if I managed to do all the habits, I'll get a day full of colors."

Today, August 30, 30 days sharp after I created that system, I see myself sticking with these habits:

exercise: 18 days;

meditate: 15 days;

learn French: 22 days;

read: 25 days. 

If there's anything that I learn from my habit-building journey, it is not that the system doesn't work for me, or the habits are too hard to do, or that I'm not rewarding myself enough after completing each habit, it is more of finding the bell that rings the most. In my case, the bell is my perfectionism, and all it takes to ring that bell is that one sentence from that book, that I summarize:

"you are the person you are, not because of things you don't do in a day or two, but because of things you mostly do on most days."