August 15, 2021

Second Chance

One day, I was in the TV room, a place where I usually escape from the boredom of my room, staring at my phone, at the deadline of an application for something that potentially makes me better at what I do now, as a psychology student. It was a day late. The deadline was yesterday. I was hesitant about whether or not I should submit my CV anyway, with the assumption that no one cares if I'm late for just one day. The hesitation led me to not submitting it that day.   

The following day, I found myself staring at the same announcement. It was still there, at exactly the same place as it was yesterday. Today, I am two days late. Nothing was new in the WhatsApp group at where the announcement is. Nothing. None. I assumed whoever is in charge of this program, has not even checked her email, where the applicants submit their high hopes to learning some more during the summer break. 

"Okay, then," I decided. 

All it took was just sending my CV and that's all. Maybe a few words of apologies and some more requests to consider accepting my application despite me sending it two days late. I checked my one-paged CV. Everything I wrote was perfect. I attached it to my email and wrote the most flattering body of email, asking sincerely for the recipient to give this really eager-to-learn student and let her learn, as to how everyone in the university should do for their students. 

I clicked on the send button and it was sent to the air like a balloon. My heartbeat was so freaking fast, my hands were sweating, but I was so relieved that I did what I just did: asking for a second chance. Something that I wouldn't be able to do so bravely in the past. By past, I mean two years ago. 

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a girl who is afraid of everything. I'm afraid of failing, of being seen failing, of not giving my most perfect work, and of people. The fear that I have usually depended on the situation I'm facing. Each fear will take turn sabotaging my mind and finally make me feel like I'm not enough in every possible circumstance. 

But today, that day, I was not that girl anymore. I finally am the girl that I've never imagined I would ever be. I was brave and did something out of bravery. I took opportunities because I am willing to move forward, instead of being afraid if I'm not moving forward. 

Once I clicked that button, I stared at the white wall underneath the hanging TV, I stared at one specific spot like it was a light from heaven, and there was when I had my mind blown. 

"You did it," I whispered to myself. "You really did it," I whispered some more. 

For the first time in my 25 years of life, I did something that I truly see as "something". It is "something" not because I achieved that straight-A at school, nor because I contribute important works to the world of science or whatever that the majority of people would name as "something". But it is more of "something" that only I myself can experience, "something" that only me can tell the difference. 

A week later, after worrying whether or not anyone found my email, I received an invitation to a WhatsApp group. A group where all the applicants of that project gathered. I became part of the team.

That was when I realized, that the "something" that everyone has been talking about all the time, is actually just a bonus from the real "something" that I've achieved within myself. From this now on, I can imagine myself being at any worst-case scenario and not being afraid anymore. 

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