Popped-Up Thoughts

Few days after the death of one of my best friend's father, I asked to one of my other besties, "what if that happen to us?"

"I might've cried desperately if my parents die," she answered. 

I frowned, because that's not what I mean. 

What if the death happens to us? I corrected her in silence. 

Then, I realized that people just don't come up with the thought of their being dead as easily as I do. 

Like what I did, when I rode my motorbike on a fine afternoon few weeks ago. The clouds were still hanging after the heavy rain stopped and people were filling the roads with their vehicles. Waiting for the light to turn green, I counted along the down-counter which installed above the traffic light. 

I went across the junction when the counter changed color. So did the other riders and drivers. Including a car which came from the same direction, but a different road. 

I flinched.   

The thought popped up. 

It was me, crushed by the car which just passed me by. I could see myself lying on the wet asphalt by the right side of the road, gasping for air, waiting for death to come. A crowd gathered around my body and my broken motorbike. I couldn't hear anything nor smell the blood underneath my head. I see people's faces in a blur, they tried to lift my body from the ground, but I was numb.

I'm dying. I thought. A thought inside a thought. 

A second or two later, the picture disappeared.

I put myself back together right away and keep on riding. Just like what I always did. 

Another images of my deaths also appeared when I'm not even outside, not even when I'm in a risk of being crashed by any car. 

I might be at home, watching the rain that hadn't stopped for hours and my mind would be flown away by the cold weather, to the bottom of the huge embankment next to my house. 

I pictured myself drowning deeper, touching the sticky turf and filling my lung with water. I felt the freezing water on every inch of my body. It was light and calm. 

No one told me that dying could feel this good. I thought, as my body turned blue and floated. 

I saw my mother coming from work. She found my dead body and cried painfully. Her husband was there too, standing still in shock. 

A second or two later, the image vanished.

I put myself back together right away and watched the heavy drops turn into drizzles.